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FYI, studies have found that being able to communicate your sexual preferences can lead to better sex. Knowing how to talk about your fetish can feel tricky at the best of times.


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Many people with fetishes must have the object of their attraction at hand or be fantasizing about it, alone or with a partner, in order to become sexually aroused, get an erection, and have an orgasm.

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You've definitely heard of foot fetishes and bondage. But, there's basically a bottomless well of things that turn people on. But what exactly are fetishes and sexual kinks? And why do people have them? Sex therapist Kelifern Pomeranz, PsyD, says that all fetishes are kinks, but not all kinks are fetishes. A person might see a particular stimulus—like, say, a boot—while they're sexually aroused, and eventually come to associate arousal with boots. Or, Lehmiller says, grouping an object or body part together with orgasm might prompt a person to seek out that same object or body part in the future because the brain expects the same reward.

Orgasmsof course, floods the brain with dopamine, the neurotransmitter that regulates motivation and pleasure.

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Fetishes get stigmatized because they're reasonably rare. Plus, there's a lot of sexual shame in our culture. And they often involve impulses that puzzle the masses: Bees all over your genitals? Unbounded attraction to vomit? But the brain wants what it wants.

Share articles, videos, books, and information from sex researchers, academics, educators, and therapists normalizing and supporting your interest. Exploring any type of sexual kink or fetish will always require consent and patience. The act calls for one person to watch their partner have sex with someone else or listen to stories about their partner having sex with someone else. The goal here is usually humiliation.

The person watching or listening is turned on by their partner desiring someone else over them. They enjoy the stimulation of being cheated on and experimenting with an act that's considered taboo. And while it's not a rule, cuckolding typically involves a man whose woman partner, whether that's a wife or girlfriend, has sex with another man and cosplays desiring the other man over her husband or boyfriend. This turn-on is one experienced by people who find enemas arousing, says Richmond.

A Greek term, klismaphilia, refers to the pleasure someone experiences from relieving themselves while using an enema, they enjoy the pressurized feeling. For others, it's the feeling or knowledge of having their bowels cleaned.

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And in other cases, it's all about giving someone an enema or preparing the body for an enema. Most klismaphiles discover their fetish after having a doctor-recommended enema in childhood.

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Men usually, she says, report enjoying the feeling of sitting on their mothers' laps and feeling her nylons underneath their legs. For others, they felt pleasure watching someone put nylons on in a film, and sometimes people just enjoy the feeling of putting them on or peeling them off. This one's exactly what it sounds like—some people are aroused by pregnant people. The starting point is usually porn, says Richmond.

There are numerous sections on popular porn websites dedicated to it—even dating websites dedicated to men connecting with pregnant women.

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But sometimes, simply seeing expecting mothers, particularly during childhood, is what sets things off. An older sibling watching their mother preparing to deliver their younger sibling can manifest itself into this fetish later in life.

A guide to the top 10 most popular fetishes and kinks around

And what people consider pleasurable about pregnancy differs. For some, it's the "glow" pregnant women have. Sometimes, is seeing a large round belly the bigger the better and heavy breasts filled with milk more on that fetish later. And for others, is the fact that it seems taboo—though pregnant women can have sex. Considering how mainstream whips have become in media portrayals of kink and fetishism, this one might not be so surprising.

Most common fetishes

Richmond recommends, however, starting slowly if you're new to using whips. This kind of power and punishment play is really fun, but can get painful very quickly if you and your partner don't talk it out first. Ask where they'd like to be whipped and discuss a scale to assess pain, 10 being the hardest whip and 1 being the softest.

It's also a good idea to come up with a safe word other than "stop. Maybe try: "sticker" or "asphalt. Wax play is another common part of BDSM often depicted least on television, books, and film.

2. klismaphilia

It involves dripping wax onto someone or having wax dripped on you, says Richmond. The biggie here is using appropriate candles. The scented ones you've got around your house will likely not do the trick and might even burn you or your partner.

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Opt for paraffin or soy candles that slowly pool wax as they burn and don't instantly harden when poured onto the body—this way you can have bit of fun moving the wax around before it stiffens. She warns, however, that it should be practiced with caution as any kind of bondage that is too tight is not only uncomfortable but can cause permanent nerve damage.

To make sure you're practicing bondage safely, it's best to school yourself on best practices and most importantly set boundaries to ensure the safety of all those involved in the practice. One common practice is the use of a safe wordwhich als that the bondage needs to end immediately.

In this activity, partners will role play and act as if they are different ages than what they actually are. Age play can also be categorized as a form of dominance and submission play, where the partner playing the younger person is often the submissive. This isn't to be confused with autonepiophilia, where the person gets sexual pleasure from dressing up or acting as a baby, not necessarily the act of role playing as someone of a different age—more on that in a bit.

Quirofilia can also be known as a hand fetish. And since any eroticization of a specific part of the body is often referred to as partialism, quirofilia is sometimes referred to as hand partialism. A person into quirofilia is especially drawn to fingers and hands. Queen says that this fetish really isn't too surprising, since hands are such ificant sexual tools. Quirofilia may involve an attraction to certain parts of the hands, manicures or certain acts performed by the hands, from washing dishes to handjobs.

If you have a hand fetish and want to explore it with your partner, you should talk to them about ways you can introduce it into your sex life, maybe as a form of foreplay. A foot fetish means you're sexually aroused by feet, also referred to as foot partialism. People with foot fetishes may be attracted to seeing feet in certain footwear such as high heels, they might enjoy interactions with feet including massaging or toe-sucking, while some prefer embellishments on the feet such as a fresh pedicure or a tattoo.

In certain cases, a person may appreciate the feet more than the person they're attached to, says Queen, but [feet] should really be looked at as an added source of a turn-on, not a substitute for a real connection with another person. Somnophilia, sometimes referred to as sleeping beauty syndrome, is defined as getting arousal from a person who is seemingly asleep or unconscious. This kind of fetish also involves an exchange of power, where the person awake is in a dominant position.

However, it should always be approached with consent, as should all sexual kinks and fetishes, says McDevitt. Everyone should be sober. Everyone should know what to expect, and trust that acting on these kinks can be stopped anytime, for any reason.

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A fascination with mirrors, or more specifically, watching yourself in sexual situations is known as katoptronphilia. In other words, katoptronphilia essentially means you enjoy having sex in front of a mirror. To bring katoptonphilia into your bedroom, make sure you have your partner's consent and be sure to be strategic about where you place your mirrors, so you can catch the best glimpses of yourself. Like many, this practice is often portrayed in porn, but Queen says it's important that porn isn't your only guide to new activity.

1. cuckolding

There is [however] a small but ificant genre of what I call 'ex-ed,' explicit educational movies. In sensation play, there's a focus on the body and the many sensate experiences we can have, so flogging, massage, temperature play involving ice cubes or candles that melt at a lower temperature, tickling and other kinky play can all fall under the category of sensation play.

Electrostimulation can be considered a subset of sensation play.

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It involves creating arousal through a sensation of electric shock. This is different from vibration and can get fairly intense-feeling. Most are below-the-waist only because it's important to keep electricity away from the heart," says Queen. It is important to learn the ropes of this kind of play before delving into it, since using the wrong tools can be dangerous. Beginners shouldn't use intense-shocking tools like tasers, Queen warns.

What is a fetish or kink?

One beginner-friendly tool McDevitt recommends is a controlled sex toy that allows you to combine the familiar pleasurable sensation of vibration with electrostimulation, like the CalExotics Impulse Intimate E-Stimulator Dual Wand. Tools like these offer several levels of electrostimulation that are safe for partners just introducing electrostimulation to their relationships.

Again, the practice of gagging should involve consent and communication. While you might think of these practices as purely sexual, they're not. Many sexual kinks and fetishes can fall under the umbrella of scene play, explains Queen, since many people in the BDSM community center their kinky activities within a scene.

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Those involved in scene play often negotiate what their desires and limits are or use ifying titles such as 'mistress or sir. Scene play is a contained activity, so it doesn't necessarily mean that partners continue to play out their roles out in the real world. The scene often ends when both partners are satisfied, someone uses a safe word or they're simply out of time. Consensual voyeurism involves consensually observing others undress, have sex or engage in other sexual acts.

Where do fetishes come from?

This isn't to be confused with spying on people without their consent, which is definitely inappropriate, not to mention illegal. Instead, in this scenario the person you're observing should enjoy being watched and may even be putting on a show. Queen adds that consensual voyeurism can also typically take place at a swingers party or play party—parties where people participate in BDSM activities.

Sadism is typically defined as arousal at the thought of causing pain, but not just any kind of pain, explains Queen. It's not comparable to enjoying menstrual cramps [since, literally nobody likes that! Kink community people tend to like the term 'intense sensation' better, since when someone is engaged in being spanked or whipped, pinched or pierced, or whatever may be going on, their experience may be vastly different from feeling pain in other contexts.

Instead, this sensation of pain will bring on a rush of endorphins, which to put into context, Queen compares to a runner's high.