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I accidentally crossed paths with my first Dominant online when I was going through a divorce seven years ago. My first thought was to run away fast: He must be some whip-toting freak with a dungeon in his basement. What appeals to me the most is the intense cerebral connection — the mind play and the feelings it conjures in me, sometimes all day long the brain is, after all, the biggest sex organ. The words, the orders, the reprimands, the tone and the downright audacity for him to say it all: Never would I allow anyone else to speak to me in this way, or, over all, to have such deep access into my mind, body and heart. And I hear myself responding in ways that similarly shock me — from mouthy and totally improper to meek and pleasing or with no air in my lungs at all. All the while I feel with my mind, heart and full body, the anticipation, the fear, the exposure, my power, his control and protection, desire and love.

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What it really means to be in a dominant/submissive relationship

Curious about BDSM? Proper aftercare may be used to prevent a drop. Age Play When one person takes on an older role and one person takes on a younger role, such as a father-daughter scenario. BDSM An umbrella term used to describe a sexual practice that involves the use of physical control, psychological power, or pain. It typically includes the components of bondage and discipline, domination and submission, or sadism or masochism. Bondage and Discipline A type of BDSM practice that incorporates bondage tying, binding, or restraining someone and discipline punishing a submissive partner when they break a rule.

Answers to your questions about what it’s really like to be in a dom/sub relationship

Bottom The person in a scene who follows the orders and receives the sensations. Breath Play A form of play when one participant controls their breath.

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This may include choking or holding the breath. Practitioners believe that consent is what separates BDSM from assault.

In sex, which role—active or passive—would you think offers more control?

It may be written or oral. Drop The physical or emotional exhaustion that takes place after a scene.

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Both tops and bottoms may experience a drop. Crying, feeling sad, and physical shaking are all s of a drop. Dungeon Monitor A person or group of people who supervises BDSM activities at a club or play party to make sure the acts are safe and consensual. This can be done with a hand, paddle, cane, whip, flogger, or other instrument.

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Master The person who has control over a slave in a consensual master-slave relationship. Male Submission BDSM activities when the submissive participant is a man, also referred to as malesub.

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Masochist An individual who likes or becomes sexually gratified by their own pain or humiliation. Munch An informal meeting or party, often at a public place, where people interested in BDSM can mingle.

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Role Play When one or more people take on a different identity during a scene. Examples may include teacher-student, doctor-patient, or boss-employee role plays. Sadism and Masochism This subset of BDSM involves inflicting pain or humiliation for the purpose of pleasure or sexual gratification. Sadist A person who enjoys or becomes sexually aroused by inflicting pain or humiliation on someone else.

Kink enthusiasts stress that activities must always be safe, sane, and consensual. Safe Word An agreed upon word or phrase that a bottom, sub, or slave can say during a scene to stop the activity or session immediately.

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It might be an act that a person is hesitant to perform but may be willing to try. Slave A person who gives up total control of one or more parts of their life to a master. Submissive can be shortened to sub. Topping From the Bottom When a bottom tries to control a scene even though it was agreed that the top would be in charge.

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By Julie Marks. Reviewed: September 26,